Seregi's sensual

Scary adulthood

2010-11-26T11:27:00.002+02:00

I've noticed, that one of my fears is adulthood. One part of my life is going to end when I finish my Master thesis and go to work. Generally it is said, that adulthood is that one can take responsibility of oneself and his deeds. I think that adulthood is not about external things like mortage or number of children. It's more like in one's inside.

According to this, I'm not yet an adult. I lie, if it prevents others to get mad at me. My dad pays my phone bill and I get money from my parents, when in need. My mom has said that after my graduation, when I go to work or get married, they're not going to help me at all. Everything concerning money distresses me. My parents feel sorry that they did not teach me how to use money and now it's too late. If I have 100€for the rest of the month, I'm still going to buy those 80€ shoes, because I do not understand money.

In my fears adulthood is hypocritical, seriousness and middle class life. One can not show his feelings. All the things that you are supposed to do, you must do although you're depressed or distressed. You greet you're enemy with a smile, because greeting is what you're supposed to do for people you know. You can not do any childish or fun things, because back is hurting and there's meeting in a morning.

What kind of experiences you have? Tell me!

30 days of music

2010-11-15T10:05:00.003+02:00

This circulates in Facebook. Because I forgot to put couple of days, I figured that I could but all the days at once.

day 01 - your favorite song

day 02 - your least favorite song

day 03 - a song that makes you happy

day 04 - a song that makes you sad

day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone

day 06 - a song that reminds of you of somewhere

day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to

day 09 - a song that you can dance to

day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep

day 11 - a song from your favorite band

day 12 - a song from a band you hate

day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure

day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love

day 15 - a song that describes you

day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate

day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio

day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio

day 19 - a song from your favorite album

day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry

day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad

day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral

day 25 - a song that makes you laugh

day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play

day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty

day 29 - a song from your childhood

day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

Lulz

2010-10-27T16:00:00.002+02:00

"Here's couple of questions. Type your answer to Google picture search and put picture from first result page here.""

1. Age after your next birthday?

2. Where would you like to travel?

3. Your favorite spot?

4. Favorite thing?

5. Favorite food?

6.Favorite animal?

7. Favorite color?

8. Current mood?

9. Your method of transport?

10. What did you do last saturday??

11. What did you do on last sunday??

12. Who do you look alike??

And this I came up by...

About my panic attacks

2010-10-10T17:30:00.004+02:00

I have been considering to write about my situation for awhile. I guess that my mom will comment: "You don't need to put everything online."But I consider this as supportive for those others who are suffering with similar issues. I am also apologizing for not being social, not contacting people nor asking how they are.

At the moment my condition has been worse than before. I think that It is mostly because therapy has raised many quiescent issues. Recently I've been operational before noon, but after lunch, my mood has started to decrease. Mostly my anguish is caused by insecurity and fear of being abandoned. Everyday situations, when normal people would only go on or gone up with alternative solution, make me panic. For example: did not find one ingredient for my dish and got panic attack.

Now I have been ordered to take tranquilizers including my daily doze. It's also been discussed that I would go to mental department for awhile. Medicine makes me even more tired and I am not able to do my few shifts.

One of the reasons for my suicidal thoughts have been the feeling that people don't know how to react on my panic attacks. People might downplay attacks, because they don't understand how come one can have an attack for such a stupid reason."I had a panic attack because I could not open a can" may sound stupid. Basically I am afraid of failure and that I am abandoned because of it.

Before panic attack I start to feel palpitations and all shapes feel aggressive. I start to sweat and my mouth dries. During the seizure I start to hyperventilate and sometimes I might stiffen and stop breathing. Clothes feel strangling and I fell hot. I can't stop my seizure although someone would try to tell to. In that kind of situations I want to lay down or cool myself.

Be calm and ask me to look you in your eyes while asking me to breath slower
Find my tranquilizer from my bag and give one although we wouldn't have water.
Find a paperback and ask me to breath on it

After a seizure I am tired and dizzy. I can't do anything about it. Panic attack get worse if I am yelled at or I am abandoned. Before a seizure I might be able to prevent it but not during it. During it I just want to get away.

At the moment I feel sad, because I think that I might not be able to have children because of my illness. According to wikipedia condition is inheritable. And how could I raise adopted kids either If I would be having seizures.

Hopefully Meme Molly's video brightens after my post!

My funeral

2010-09-25T22:27:00.002+02:00

Not so long ago I wrote about what kind of wedding I would like to have. Sometime ago I was at the funeral, and thought that I could also write, what kind of funeral I want.

In the funeral, which I was recently, were lot's of crying. I don't want that people cry in my funeral. I have once been to funeral were people were telling funny stories about deceased. Those were the best ones.
I have put in my will, that I don't want Christian funeral. Hopefully people respect that. Neither I want them to open up about their religion.
I want to be cremated. I have never been to non-Christian funeral, so it is hard to imagine what is happening in one. That picture is from Heath Ledger's funeral. It looks nice.
After throwing my ashes into the wild, would be that nice memorial service. It would like Scandinavian drinking party, after every song (and sip) someone would tell some funny story about me. for example: "I remmemeber when see walked at glass door"

After telling about my funeral one of my friends said, that if she dies before I do, she wants that someone pours one snap on her grave.

P.S What's up with that first picture? I do not know! Google picture search gives it if you looking something about funeral.

Hairy annoyance

2010-09-13T13:47:00.001+02:00

When I have the impression that the other is pretty much it is entitled to interfere in others skin hair. Hair is usually adopted in hand. Long leg hair, my fascination, especially Cambodian plucked them and their brightness wondered aloud. I am beginning to gradually to bend on outside pressure, that I should shave also my pubic hair. When I talked about my intentions with friends, he said that I should not shave, because I should stay as a weirdo. Then she could always refer to me when talking about different relation on skin hair.

Celebs are not the only ones whose hair watched over. The Sun's website has pictures of celebrities who have a little bit hair and stubble in their armpits. Actress Monique shrugged her by coming with 'wool trousers' on a red carpet. A Finnish web forum Suomi24 has one of the department only hair removal.

Wikipedia says that in the 19th century lovers saw each other pubic hair with good luck charm. Pubic hair in classic art is described as a triangle, so that a woman stands out from a girl. Modifying the hair is justified by religion, fashion, tradition, practicality for oral sex, looks, itchiness, heat, clothing ,and taste.

Yes, I've shave my hair. Nowadays only the armpits, as they begin to annoy. Because of the external pressure, I cut one tuft of hair with scissors. I began to cry. I do not know whether it was itchiness or that decision was not my ow, but external. Yes, I can remove the hair if the result is permanent. Now, they always grow back and it is only pain, itching, etc. NOT WORTH THE EFFORT

Is it more accepted to be hair for men than for women?

I have been thinking...

2010-09-09T13:20:00.002+02:00

I have visited my new therapist over a month. I thought that I'd write down some thoughts that has been circling in my mind. I started to observe my own feelings and anxioty more. When I noticed that my anxioty had grown, I thought it was because of the full calendar. Instead therapist suggested that It might be because of the deep conservations we have been having.

I have noticed I am very physical person. I like when I know clearly my body's boundaries, for example when my muscles are sore after workout or when I am floating in the water. I have been suggested to try laying under pea bags. Howeever sometimes tight clothes and thoughts, which won't fit in my head disstress me. Often the latter happens, when I am trying to understand something mathematic. When I am disstessed, It can be seen from my posture. I turn inside out and I feel like something heavy is pressing on my chest. When I am feeling good, I embrace the world.

I am bothered why I regress into 2 year old stage, when I am really anxious. I act really irrational: whine, lay on the floor, am scared of newspapers (etc.) and get sad if left alone. My therepist wants to think that there have been something traumatic in my childhood, but I doubt it.

I have noticed that I let the external opions to impact on how I feel about myself. Allthough I have strong opinions and I know what I want to do, I am insecure, because I am afraid that the others judge me. Humanities, helping others and many other things, which I would like to do, are concidered as things which are not appreciated. I see myself as unsubtle and good-willing, but already in elementary school in taught that being exact is more desirable. Alltogether I am still thinking bigger, far ahead and am more flexible, but worry too much about future.

I should really sit down and write my bloodt master thesis. Instead I am worrying what others are thinking about my studies, am I going to get work and will I get along in five years. I feel like I am a child who needs praises and guidance.

My therapist asked me, where I feel like accepted. I thought it a long time, and could not come up with anything. I always have a fear that someone is going to tell that I can not do something or I am bad.

What I've learned in weddings?

2010-09-04T23:51:00.002+02:00

It might be a good thing not to be first one of my friends to get married. Not only because it takes a while to find and test drive the ONE, but that I can also learn from others' weddings. Sometimes I question weather I want weddings at all. But I believe that if I am not going to have that party, I am going to regret it afterwards. So here's couple of points that I've learned before.

Never invite children. From time to time I did not hear anything while the children were screaming in church and in reception. Either no children policy or hire nanny to play with them.
Always when I am attending to consecration, I feel that I've been invited to couple's bedroom. That moment is too personal to let dozens to watch. I want only the necessary witnesses and guests shall meet us on reception.
When I graduated from high school, my parents held a big party. I remember that many people who are dear to me, but I did not have change to chat with them properly. My tea also got cold. That's why I want that wedding were bride and groom can also enjoy the atmosphere.
I hate when they isolate bride and groom to their own table.
Very often I am anguished by the amount of unknown people in weddings. Would it be possible to minimize the guest list, so that everyone could fit in same table and chat with each other? Less guests, more money for better food.

So here's some thoughts of mine. What do you think?

Moving is fun!

2010-09-01T20:37:00.002+02:00

I surprised myself yesterday, by noticing that moving is fun! Maybe there's something about me living in same flat for 5 years. Yesterday I was helping couple of fellow student club members moving out. First of all it was lot's of fun to drive around with cam track (in a picture). Unlike in the picture you reverse with it. I noticed that I might not picture my surroundings well, because like when reversing a car, I was bumbling on everything.I also got stuck in an elevator couple of times.. And that lorry! It had a platform which went up and down!!! By remote control!!

So people. If you are about to move, please let me help you because it's lot's of fun.

Me and womanhood

2010-08-31T09:47:00.003+02:00

This might be a good post to awaken my English blog. I started to feel that I need to write this because I have more and more friends that do not understand Finnish. So here are couple of claims that women hear in their every time life and my point of view.

A woman has nothing to wear
Although my closet door does not shut and there is a huge pile of clothes in it's floor, I do not seem to have anything to wear. I want to dress according to the weather and still give the right kind of image of myself.

Women are looking for a man like his father
I've noticed mostly my fixation on big noses. And after all my dad is nice and hardworking.

A woman can never shop too much
Oh. Expect when credit card cries. Unfortunately, much too often shopping eases my stress.

A woman enjoys the admiration
In Finland there is a sayig: " A cat lives by praises". The men apparently likes it, if you let them help in problem solving, but again, women want to know that they are loved. In Finland men rarely thell their girlfriends that they love them or praise them.

The woman is always on a diet
Currently I feel that I am pleased with my body. Still I feel that the pressure to change me comes from the outside. I know, that If I would be disciplined enough I could reach into normal weight. But I'm more happy with my balanced meals and exercise as long as I feel good.

Woman hates Formula Cup
I hate everything a spectator sport. Unless it is a Wii.

When getting older woman becomes more and more like a mother
Father nicely told me about this for years. According to him, I and my mother argued a lot, because we are so similar. I do not know whether it was a compliment ..

A woman can succeed in her career only acting masculine
Did not we have a lot of examples that it is not? For example, Minna Parikka, Coco Chanel and Dita Von Teese have performed just as themselves, and without masculinity. All they have enjoyed for femininity. Still most of the successful cooks and horseback riders are male although their careers are considered as feminine.

A woman can never find anything from her handbag
Where the bag can only hold those keys, cell phone and wallet, so can be found. Bigger bag more stuff.

Woman dominates the home through work, man is a woman's Assistant
This sounds like the phrase very patriarchal! Is it not so, however, that both complementary to the common welfare of the capital: between economic terms, between the domestic chores.Neither is the second sidekick, but are all together.

Childbirth is a woman's Winter War
Can I even say anything to this, when I have not even experienced the birth? However, war is always seen gloomy thing, but it is very personal childbirth experience. For some harder and other easier. Some have even enjoyed it. I would not generalize.

Woman enjoys gossiping
Woman dominates the social side more than the man (according to personal experience). Men can be friends, for years without knowing each other's deepest thoughts. Gossip linking women in the same way as men between teasing. I do not accept badly intentions carried out gossiping. It is understandable, of course repeat the familiar joint news. After all, it is embarrassing if the divorced guy just assumed everyone to know his divorce and you ask yourself just what the relationship is ...

Woman nag
I guess our family is going the other way around ... nag me, ie. It is, of course annoyance reaction when one does not work as quickly as expected.

Woman can be completely helpless in appropriate situations
Sometimes it would be nice to know when it is ok to do things themselves and when the injured man, if he does not ask for help.

Mice and spiders get hysterical woman
At least not me:) I have fun, while others scream. I still remember situation from my voacational school time, when a girl ran screaming into the toilet like a big spider there. I went to taking a little twinkle in his hand."What are you so little afraid of?" all the girls there were kiljuivat. I continued my journey out of the intention to export Hamari. I laughed way to the adjacent class Hamari girls stuff, but they also kiljuivat seeing what I had in hand XD

A woman trying to educate a man as you want
I admit to this guilty. But it is more sensible to steer and another to say that the innermost can be changed. Both needs to be done.

2009-10-27T15:06:00.002+02:00

I'm wondering about making a life change. I thought about reading different literature like self help etc. and reporting about my progress to blog. Maybe I'd just keep this blog simple and make new blog , which I'd update every day and reflect my feelings towards my project.

Why have I gotten this kind of idea? Well I have been really stressed. I had to make new studying plan and cut out courses. Cutting out studying made me feel really sad. My spouse suggested that I'd studied something else like cooking. Well I thought that I'd studied the most important thing in my life: myself.

I wanna learn what kind of routines, diet, exercise, way of thinking etc. fit me. I know that route will be long but I'm ready to go for it. I hope that I'll find lot's of people to support me.

I'm still wondering weather to write my blog in English or Finnish and should I remain anonymous. If I decide to be anonymous, then I'd had to create new user to blogger etc. Would it be too hard? Will I suffer because of my identity?

It's harvesting tiem!

2009-10-27T15:04:00.001+02:00

It's harvesting tiem!,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

No one has asked me whether I got crops from my bushes. Well I got! But they weren't as tasty as I has expected =( I started to wonder If I can make tea out of boysen berry's leaves but now they must have already frozen, so it must be too late =(

Me and Risto Räppääjä

2009-10-27T14:57:00.002+02:00

Me and Risto Räppääjä,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

I hate stuffed characters. Not as much as lambs and sheeps. So I try to temper myself as posing in pictures with these disgusting beings.

Annual Book fair of Turku was crowded, I spend lot's of money on books and tasted delightful things on food fair section. Still this hideous thing is the utmost thing that I remember.

Nefa Turku Ry 40 years

2009-10-27T14:51:00.002+02:00

IMG_6007,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

Last Saturday European Ethnology's student Association Nefa celebrated it's 40th birthday. I, of course, wanted to be there because my idol, Katriina Siivonen, held honor speech on dinner. I attended as harbinger, which meant that I served toasts and helped with the flag. I got dinner on bargain price.

Well I myself didn't enjoy so much, because I was stressing about my studies. Mostly I loved performance of Äemänkäet choir and aking photos of rocks.

More about party in Finnish
http://www.hum.utu.fi/oppiaineet/kansatiede/uutisarkisto/nefa40vuotta.html

Are you a hobbit?

2009-07-19T22:22:00.002+02:00

Are you a hobbit?,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

NO I'm a Troll
www.finncon.org

I met my idol George R R Martin (GRRM) in Finncon. I asked him to sign my book and I was so excited that I almost fainted

Archipelago cycling

2009-07-19T22:05:00.002+02:00

Archipelago,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

We were cycling around Åland 7 - 10.7. It's really hard to describe briefly it because it was so great experience. I learned that I have stamina to cycle long routes and I saw beautiful places, ate wonderful food and met friendly people.

Seriously, we were told that in Åland people are unfriendly. Quite opposite! Everyone greeted us. When our ferry didn't manage to come because of hard wind, guest house's host drove us to Kastelholma for free. On last day, when we were shopping we had long talk with one auntie.

We took ready made cycling package from Viking Line which included bike rent, saddle bags, helmets, Beds and breakfast (+linen) for 3 nights, ferries and map. And of course ship from Turku to Åland and Åland to Helsinki. I summed that if we had booked everything by ourselves and took our own bikes, we might have save 100€. But actually I thought that It'd been much easier to let travel agency to take care of everything rather than phone everywhere by myself.

There was lot's of lovely things but I'm too tired to describe them. If you want to ask something please let me know.

About Åland
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Åland_Islands

More photos
http://www.flickr.com/photos/seregi/sets/72157621298283549/

I loved this big plant

2009-07-19T21:31:00.002+02:00

I loved this big plant,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

Me and Jari cycled to Ruissalo. We visited in Botanic Garden.

More pics ->
http://www.flickr.com/photos/seregi/sets/72157621692420336/

New shorts!

2009-07-01T00:43:00.002+02:00

New shorts!,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

I celebrated beginning of holiday and bought new pair of shorts. I have noticed that during this heat wave they would be useful. SO hunt begun.

Celebrating took place in Cafe Aschan drinking Frappe. I just love cold coffee drinks on summer. I can't sleep because of heat, mosquitoes or pollen. So Frappe energizer and cools <3

I, like all overweight girls, have problems finding trousers. So dresses and skirts are better. It took quite long until I found decent pair of shorts. I tried also mini shorts, but they weren't good with these legs. There was "Pay 2 take 3 inc. shorts, capris, t-shirts & tops" So I bought these brown shorts and happy coloured top and brown t-shirt =)

Medieval market nro2

2009-06-28T23:32:00.002+02:00

,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

Finally I went to medieval Market with JM. I mainly wanted to find cheap and special birthday gifts for my friends. I saw many potential gifts but finally found three which clicked immediately when I saw them <3

Maybe now when birthday girls read this they expect really fancy gifts. Sorry, they cost only few euros but represent you well =)

There was much more crowd than on Friday and because of the heat I didn't enjoy myself. We ate a bit and headed for grocery shopping. We had some old mushrooms and tomatoes on the fridge so I thought that BBQ would be a great idea. So I bought meat for JM and chicken for myself. You can guess how many times I lost my nerves trying to heat grill?

Gladly grilling went well and after few drinks and stomach full I lay on backyard satisfied.

Turku Castle

2009-06-28T23:14:00.002+02:00

,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

I woke up 9.30AM to visit Turku castle. JM wasn't so excited, because he has been so many time on that guided tour. I has also been but I'm so excited that I don't care. Because of Medieval market there was actors making castle more alive.

10:40 started our tour. it cost 5,5€ inside and tour fee 2€. I was on heaven clicking pics with my cam, but JM seemed bored. We went accidentally on children's tour. It was amusing though. I love visiting on west tower where I haven't been before. Without a guide it would've been impossible. We saw also a magician, archers and medieval war camp.

Bush is blooming

2009-06-26T23:30:00.002+02:00

Bush is blooming,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

Finally my gardening is progressing! I am no green thumb so seeing my bush blooming is a pleasant surprise =) Hope I'll get some berries on fall

Medieval parade

2009-06-26T23:17:00.002+02:00

Medieval parade,
originally uploaded by Seregi.

I went to medieval festival with Sari today. First we went to shear lectures. Then we went to center where we ate ice cream and I bought new potatoes from market. On medieval market there are lot's of handcrafts being sold. Because I haven't any money I'm going there on Sunday with Jari =)

More
http://www.keskiaikaisetmarkkinat.fi/public/default.aspx?culture=en-US&contentlan=2&nodeid=11757

2009-04-25T03:19:00.003+02:00

Argh. I've just realised that it's 4AM. Newspaper just came and I've written whole night my essay about thaiprostitution. During the day I just watched Grey's Anatomy -_-

My goal is to get all schoolwork done before 1st of May. My internship begins fourth of May. No more 24/7 studying just working during office hours. May, June and August I'll be working and holiday's going to be on July. I'm going to catch up my novel readings and exercise on freetime =) Yay!

On holiday I'd like to go for a bicycle trip to Åland. It would be couple of hundred kilometres total but I'd take it slow. Maybe a week would be fine to get to know arcipelago's nature and sights. I also must go to Finncon this year because George R R Martin is there <3

Well maybe I'll just hit the sack now. Tomorrow's going to be new hair day =)

Questionary

2009-04-10T23:10:00.002+02:00

What are your middle names?
Anniina (I hate my middle name) and Juhani. Actually all my boyfriends' middle names have been Juhani =D

How long have you been together?
over 10 months

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We emailed and irced couple of weeks

Who asked whom out?
I sent SMS and asked him over

How old are each of you?
I am 23 and he's 1,5 years older

Whose siblings do you see the most?
His brother lives almost at out neighbor... My older brother live 500km from here and another in China. So...

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?

Different tempperaments

Did you go to the same school?
No we're in same UNI...

Are you from the same home town?
He's from Mynämäki and I'm from Iisalmi

Who is smarter?
He's more logical and I'm socially smarter

Who is the most sensitive?
Both are pretty sensitive

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
At student restaurants.Another fave place is Mami

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Barcelona =)

Who has the craziest exes?
I have =D Better medicines

Who has the worst temper?
Both...

Who does the cooking?
He bakes and I cook

Who is the neat-freak?
You should see his closet and then mine... Mine is like hell

Who is more stubborn?
I am.

Who hogs the bed?
Both =D

Who wakes up earlier?
Me. He could sleep whole day

Where was your first date?
At my place

Who is more jealous?
He is

How long did it take to get serious?
29.7.2008 When I proposed :)

Who eats more?
I do...

Who does the laundry?
I do laundry and he does dishes

Who’s better with the computer?
He is O_o

Who drives when you are together?
Public transport or bikes for us.

Blog post at last

2009-04-06T15:40:00.003+02:00

I've been very busy and stressed lately. I haven't even posted to my Finnish blogs much on this winter. Maybe a little list would be OK

- Bachelor thesis done. Only Swedish exam needed.
- I'm continuing same subject for my Master
- I'm going to study in Mahidol University in Bangkok 29.3 - 12.7.2010 and after that to Shanghai to see my Bro <3
- I'm really happy with my fiance JM <3
- I'm working at UNI on this summer and gathering material to my master thesis.

When I look at this list my life looks like more organized and less stressfull than it is. I skipped Thai party on saturday because of study stress and cried today becuse I'm so happy that Janina in back to Finland.

Well uo there U can see my newest pics. Me in S-Osis cloakroom @ Standup and Paju love easter..

2008-10-28T22:24:00.000+02:00

Olen pitänyt hiljaiseloa prosen kirjoittamisen kanssa. Mutta ei huolta! Olen lukenut aineistoa ja litteroinut. Ylihuomenna tapaan informanttini ja ensi viikon lauantaina menen havainnoimaan thaimaalaisten vuotuisjuhlaan.

Bad cake day

2008-08-17T22:43:00.005+02:00

I baked a cake about two weeks ago, because my fiance's parents came to visit me. But the cake was the worst cake ever! I couldn't understand why it tasted salty and liquire. Unfortunately my in-laws didn't have guts to say that it was disgusting..

Well tonight I fancied a chocolate cake. Well.. it turned out to be disgusting.. again! We started to look our ingredients and found out that salt and sugar are in same box. That's why our cakes tasted salty and bad.. well We gotta buy sugar tomorrow and use that box for salty foods. But my yearn for chocolatecake isn't over.

****************'

Me and my boyfriend got encaged about three weeks ago. We both chose silver Kalevala - rings, which are finnish design. Mine is called Kieloand his Polku. Unfortunately he didn't agree putting carving Monkey to my ring and Cat to his..

I had to think about commitment, because I had to explain to people why so soon. Well we have known each other for 3months (almost). I just feel like all pieces have come together and I have no need to explore anymore.

*********

Just one point more.

I have started once again postcrossing and couch surfing. Last time couch surfing didn't work because my boyfriend, at that time, didn't approve any guests. Now I'm satisfied that my fiance is more open to new things and interested in my stuff.

Travelling

2008-06-14T11:20:00.001+02:00

Bali, Indonesia

Singapore, Singapore

Eastbourne, England

Create your own travel map or travel blog

Visit TripAdvisor.com

sex and the city experience

2008-06-07T23:29:00.004+02:00

I had a fabulous evening with my dear friend. We met in a pub, then went for a dinner. And that was a real restaurant! Well someone would say that 20€ for a main course is too much, but we know that if you want a real restaurant experience, it's worth it! Our appetizer drinks resambled cosmos. I fancied snails, so I took snailbruchetta. I drank italian chenin blanc. Janina took mozzarella terrine for starters and drank red wine. And main courses! It was like an orgasm in mouth! Janina had deer and I had salmon<3

I just had to buy some chocolate for the movie. Of course, I hadn't thought that there was heat outside. So afterwards my bag of choco sweetness looked like bag of doggy poopness =D

I try not to spoil while telling about the movie. I think that the experience was much like my experience seeing Spice Girls live. I cried often. When intro started tiers were overwhelming. The plotline in the movie was really simple. Just like The Simpsons movie, really long episode. But as a fan I saw it like firecrackers in my heart.

My favorite chracter has always been Miranda, but as Janina said, I am more like Carrie :S Bizarre..

Numb

2008-06-07T23:18:00.003+02:00

It was summer before my sixth grade, when I got Mimi. She was so small, nice and purring little kitty. She was separeted from her mother far too early. That's one reason, why we got so attached on one another.

When I moved Turku, I left Mimi Iisalmi to my parents, 'cause I knew that kitten, used to be outise wouldn't like being indoors all the time. Eventually I got Paju and she bacame my baby.

Last weekend, when I was visiting at my parents, Mimi slept beside me. Tonight mum told that Mimi was found under rosebed. She was taken to kitten heaven from her naps. When dad found her, he would'nt believe that she was dead. She seemed so peaceful.

When I got home. I cuddled Paju and gave her a portion of shrimps. Cats leave their pawnprints to out hearts.

My idol

2008-05-30T09:48:00.004+02:00

Me and my friend have common idol. She's called Anne and she's a character from Little Britain. Because we both have mental illnes, we joke about becoming like Anne someday. When ever we fell like having grazy attacks, we imitate Anne.

Here's collection clip of Anne's adventures
Anne's christmas
Anne and the pope
Anne in TV
I so would wanted to be in the first row of live show..

We also have a list of people whose reactions we want to see imitating Anne... =D

destruction

2008-05-25T20:51:00.003+02:00

well my significant other dumbed me after 4years 4months and 3days. It sucks.

A pretty helpful article
Good advices

But pretty much best that my friends told me, is that I'm allowed to be weak, sad and cry.

It's been a week and half now. I feel better and don't cry everyday anymore. I also have had major change in my attitude. Before I felt like dying whenever something bad happened. Now I just think "well.. I feel bad now but, tomorrow I'm gonna have fun" I also like more and more being alone and searching myself.

Links

2008-05-13T08:20:00.005+02:00

My friend has fashion show =)
Chech Sanna JOkela from suunnittelijat

Very disturbing pick

Scary but seemef familiar

Great service!

Still thinking about christ?

For fistory lovers <3

Summer is here

2008-05-12T08:12:00.002+02:00

As you can see from this photo, summer has finally come here in Turku. There are mine, my friend's and significant's legs by the pool.

Yesterday here was some what 27 degrees warm. We cycled all the way to Hirvensalo for mother's day BBQ.

I hate my feelings

2008-05-05T00:38:00.004+02:00

I just hate this.

Well, if you haven't known. I've been with my significant other for over four years. We lived together for over two years. Now I wanna find myself and learn about myself before commitment. One thing is for sure: you can't expect to get everything from just one person.

Still nobody wants to miss anything. For example I can't imagine life without new experiences even after commitment. If I happen to get new chrush on someone, I don't want to bury my feelings. I and my significant other live both our lives but be always primary for each other. And we'll alway learn from our adventures.

OK. Back on busines.. so now I have realised that I have new chrush. It's nothing new to me. I've had couple of flings, lovers and one girlfriend during my time with my significant other. But here's two chrushes! I've managed to handle two romantic/sexual relationships at time. But two chrushes are making me mad! Best of all: they are from same group of friends ><

Well.. my dear friend told me not to tell them, 'cause it might harm athmosphere. But now I feel like telling it, would make me feel better. Secondly I can't imagine what would they think about me more or less my situation.

Last time when I had a fling at fall, I ended it saying that because of my mental illness I should concentrate on one relationship. Well have I gotten any better? argh! OK.. but because I'm so blue now I feel like they're gonna turn me down =)

About polyamory
Great FAQ for Polyamory
More...

Thank you my dear readers if you tried to read and understand me =)

I had a moment with a wild stud

2008-04-23T16:02:00.003+02:00

I had my moment with a wild stud, Dirk, yesterday. I was told that he used to be shy, when he came to stay there, but he is nowadays bit of a macho. I had earlier had every time Fanni, which is leadermare of the herd. With Fanni leading exercises have been only hard for me, not for horse. With Dirk I had to do lot's of work. Later I heard that Dirk hadn't done leadingexercises eith anyine else but his owner. That explained a lot. I also tried to do controllingexercises from his back. Without a saddle giving calves was really hard.

Well. No that my boyfirend is at working trip in Mikkeli, I'd need a stud.

2008-04-20T23:49:00.001+02:00

some updating

2008-04-20T23:35:00.004+02:00

well.. i was so upset about my earlier comments, so I couldn't update untill now =) Down there you can see new VisualDNA that I made. Some thhings have changed.

I have been hanging around more and more in Facebook. I have also updated more my finnish blog in livejournal than this.

I had independense day party on Saturday. Well I have lived now alone almost a month. It's kinda scary. When I first moved from my parents house four years ago, I had just met my boyfriend. Our relationship was so intense, at the time, that I never slept alone. We moved together over two years ago. By christmas I started to think, that I want to know myself before settling down and feel that I can survive by living on my own. I'd say this is also good for relationship..

Well you can also read my dear fried's blog..
My fried's blog

A long time.. no posts

2008-04-20T23:26:00.001+02:00

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About spirtuality

2007-05-09T13:22:00.000+02:00

I fell like I'm lost...

There aren't many I could talk about it because Finnish people keep quiet about spritual experiences. I feel quite frustrated when I can't talk about my experiences. And when I try to talk about them, even by few words, for my love, he seems like he's laughing inside. Well it might be hard to take me serioulsly when you don't believe in that kinda stuff.

I grew in christian family. I was really eager christian teen. My granny was extremely religious and I was raised beside her. When I was in camp before confirmation (I was only one there who really studied) I felt like I don't belong there and It'd be lying to say that I'd be christian if ain't sure. I was afraid of tell about these feelings 'cause everyone expects that when you're 15, tou'll get chistian confirmation. And I didn't want to let my granny's expectations down. When she was sick before her death, I told her that I want to study comprative religions. She misunderstood and was happy that I was going to be a priest. She died thinking like that.

Well I was 18 when I finally separated from church. Everyone asked don't I wanna have wedding in church. Why I would think such things like wedding, being 18 and single? And you can have more beutiful wedding than in church just by doing it in nature and revealing that you and everyone around you are part of it.

I read Lot's about different religions and felt that Wiccan kind of religion would be nearest for me. When I'm swimming or near water I fell like I'm part of it. Letting wind embrace me or watching fire...When I'm in my backyard , gardening and put my hands into ground.. it's kinda spiritual experience for me.

That's why (maybe) I'm studying comparative religions. To get know what's spiritual and find it in me by experimenting. It's really hard to talk about it 'cause all of my friends are agnostics, atheistic or Lutheran (which don't talk about own religion much). Last Saturday I was doing research in House of mercy (it's christian association). I tried method of participating observing and went to room where were people who helped by praying. I told that I wanted that they'd pray strenght for me to get along with my illness. Girl put hand to my shoulder and prayed Long praise for God, Jesus etc. Well I think that Jesus in historic person nothing more and I'm more pantheistic but that praise kind of helped me. I felt like lantern lid inside of my chest. Then I was really confused. Maybe it was empathy that girl gave me.

I don't know much pagans. I know couple of wiccans here but mostly I like to do my rituals alone. Somehow I'm afraid of them. just like I'm afraid of other students. That's bit strange 'cause I have plenty of friends and I get along with people. Maybe it's because I was bullied and really lonely in primary school and still afraid that everuyone are really hating and being angry to me. Maybe evne my best friends are just acting and laugh behind my back.

I couple of years ago I went to their temple in Helsinki just to get know what's up with them. I love that when they praise singing and dancing. I danced and sung along and loved it. But along with many other religions it has far many rules for me. I can't be vegetarian. Just can't. I love fish and chick. I left red meat over a year ago and try to live ecologic and buy organically produced stuff. And Hare Krishna's also have that rule that they have sex only in marmarriage and to get babies. Not for me! Same as many Christians. They can have only one partner and have only decent sex with him/her.

Well I believe in samsara. About karma, I'm not sure yet. But I'm trying to live according to Wicca rede. I believe that mine and my boyfriend's souls are bonded together and we're going to meet again in different life. But I don't feel like I could be chained. I'm free soul after all and I don't like that anyone tells me what I should or shouldn't do.

Still I think that every person, religion and culture are worth getting know. From wiccan I have learnt to respect nature and from hare krisna i have leraned to express myself through dance.I wouldn't judge anyone without thinking his/her point first. For ecample when I was waitering on saturday and had problems, one elder waiter got pissed and yelled at me. I was calm but other waiteres were pissed about that eled one. They complained to boss about her. But I thought about her point. I have also been pissed about stupid newbies.

Well i never couldn't be all spiritual person. I'm so hedonistic. If I have money I'd buy myself massage or sinner at restaurant. I love to pamper myself.

Funny websites

2007-05-09T13:08:00.001+02:00

Here's some funny sites which make me always smile

Badgers

Kenya

Kenya live version

Who loves the chocolate?

I'm looking for my leopard...

Ask a ninja

George Bush sings U2

Kittens!

Cats listen to music ^^

Funniest kitten eva!

2007-04-26T20:42:00.000+02:00

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Couch surfing

2007-04-25T19:13:00.000+02:00

I'm now really excited about couch surfing. It might be nice way to save money when travelling and get new different friends from other cultures when at home. Not much to tell you about this yet. Chech out my profile ^^

I'm in love

2007-04-08T20:29:00.000+02:00

I remember when I las felt like this.

It was year 2002, when I saw Kuutamolla on movie theater. I wanted to see is just because my favorite actress Minna Haapkylä starred it. Movie is about 30 year old Iris, who is film freak. She wants to experience THE love. Some how she has really high expectations of love. I fell in love with that movie. I bought soundtrack and read book which movie was based on. Watching trailer few minutes ago made me cry. That movie means really much to me. Maybe it's because of nostalgic, or maybe it tells about me on that age (when I saw that flick).

Now five years later, I fell same as in 2002 with Suden Vuosi. I went to see it with my mum couple of weeks ago. We cast lots what we should see, and Suden Vuosi won. Well.. it was really beautiful movie. It's about Sari, who studies literature. She is epileptic. So her parents won't let her move from home. Her teacher 40 something Groman divorces and needs home. So it's just practical that someone lives with Sari, for her attacks? I just read the book. And I'm going to buy the soundtrack right after easter. Yes, I watched also Suden Vuosi trailer seconds ago. And that also made me cry. The last line in trailer is so beautiful "Kaikki mitä toivot on jo täällä" (Everything you can hope for is already here)

There are much differences between movies and books. I won't discuss about those, so i won't spoil =) Kuutamolla was directed by Aku Louhimies. I love his style. I can see it in his TV - series Irtiottoja also. Olli Saarela has directed Suden Vuosi. He is known as Finland's cultural minister's husband and has been seen on yellow press. That's why I was surprised about that movie.

But well.. I can warmly reckon those two movies. I can possibly describe how special they are for me.

Official Kuutamolla website
http://www.kuutamolla.com/main.html

Offical Suden Vuosi website
http://www.sudenvuosi.com/

About christianity

2007-04-05T20:33:00.000+02:00

I'm quite pissed about one topic which is hot among Finnish Christians. It's about women being priests and giving their bless for gay couple.

It isn't any body's choice what you are born into. Would you hate yourself if you'd been born gay or woman and wanted to be Christian? Kuopio's bishop said wisely. If you don't want to work with female priests, start your own religion.

So why convict anyone by being gay or female and doing what his/hers says? If were trying to find answers from Bible it says that the god is only judge.

Well I'm not Christian, so who I am to say anything to this conflict? I don't know would I be, if church would rely more on what Jesus said (he spoke much about equality, both women, races etc.) and not to what Old Testament or Paul said (my opinion is that Church relies too much on what Paul said, and too little on Jesus). They should bring church to 21th century and forget old fears and doubts on everything which is new and modern.

I'm more like pagan pantheistic. I'm now thinking what easter means to me. How and why should I celebrate it? Maybe because spring is coming and seasons are changing, although global warming seems to be more and more here. I'm going to eat lamb, just because I hate that animal, and enjoy some red wine. I'm going for little trip with my man and cat. we're going to admire nature. On Sunday, I'm going to eat chocolate eggs. They symbolize rebirth of the nature.

2007-03-31T18:45:00.000+02:00

DMN This is a funny pic but it doesn't work unless you click it :P

I AM SO NUTS!!!

2007-03-30T20:58:00.000+02:00

They're going to make an animation movie out of my first and most beloved fantasy series I ever read. Dragonlance! And leading actress of my favorite TV show is giving her voice to it!!! AWW!!!

Oh! Please read that book series if you yet haven't done that. Some how I relate myself into Tasslehoff and Raistlin. Both. I see "bad side of me" as Raistlin and good as Tasslehoff. Or any way you like to think.

I used to write lots of stories with my friends inspired by Dragonlance. So it has affected to my life a lot. Without it I don't think I could be same as now or get excited of A song of ice and fire.

About Her in that animation <3
http://www.lucylawless.info/movies/dragonlance/index.php

One funny videos from Youtube (relating this subject) Well you have to read the books to understand these.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oe5tUR4V454
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUtOIuOzjkI&mode=related&search=

Kiefer Sutherlnad is Raistlin. Hope he doesn't sound that sexy on final animation. Raistlin is supposed to be evil.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBihVTvsFZY&mode=related&search=

2007-03-22T09:59:00.000+02:00

I was waiting for a bus week ago in the middle of the night in Helsinki. I talked with my friend did we have enough money to get back home. Suddenly hand reached behind and gave me 1,1€ I strated to chat with one homeless guy. He told that he had been kicked from his sister's home after living there for a year. He's going to get own flat on friday. Now he was just waiting for dawn to get back to work and drinking beer.

I don't know why, but I trusted him. I wasn't afraid. When I tell people that I chatted with homeless tipsy guy, they I are like "What!!" But I think he was OK. When we talked about music, he told he had palyed in a band called Juliet Jonesin Sydän. I didn't know weather or not to believe him. I told that we were watching Shakira's gig. He started to arguing with us. We believed that we weren't there for the music. We jsut had bad self-esteem and were just enviyng beutuful dancer. When I told that I wanted to go sold out Metallica gig, he calmed down.

Yetserday I was browsing sales with my mum. I found Juliet Jonesin Sydän's CD. In back cover stood that guy. Looked bit better there.

Typos etc.

2007-03-13T09:36:00.001+02:00

I've been complained about typos. Well English isn't my native language, but I also make lots of typos in Finnish too. Maybe it would some kind of trademark. My boyfriend tried to talk to my friend via ms messenger. He just made lots of typos and my friend was fooled. Dang. If he had done it longer he would had to complain about himself.

If I'd do my Finnish high school final again, my hand would be really tires. I'm not used to writ by hand anymore. But doing exams by computer wouldn't help because of my typos. Somehow I can't notice them although I read text again and again. I love using spell check.

One of my friends said that it's typical for me to be cute goofier (in Finnish söpö häsläri). At work I have concentrate really much to get job done properly without goofing around. Maybe because I'm not so accurate, I can enjoy the moment.

New ones

2007-03-07T21:54:00.001+02:00

There's two French trainees in our restaurant. I when I was in high school I used to envy those who became friends with transfer students. Now I decided that I'm going to finally make some friends with transfers. I promised to offer them sauna and took their mobile number.

They told me about their school. Next year they're gonna have 2weeks theory and 2 weeks work in month. And they're going to get salary 6000€ I told that I get only 300€ They were like WHAT? And Finland is as expansive as France.

It's going to be interesting when boy don't understand English and girl translates. They must trust that we won' talk shit about them. Same with them when they talk French.

I wanna learn more languages...

Jealousy

2007-03-02T15:55:00.001+02:00

I'm pretty jealous for one of my friend's. We were talking about being cynical towards the world. "So why won't we just kill ourselves?" I asked
"Because you never know if you'd be among friends being loved and really happy tomorrow"
I'm always thought it's always about fear. I don't have what it takes to end my life. When I'm down I'm always just lying in bed waiting perishing away. I just don't care.

Well. I never would've guessed that he would've said something like that. About hope. Well he thinks that he isn't loved and he's just a bother. My problem is that i know that everything is fine, I'm loved etc. But my mood is still low. f**k.

I hate that my feelings have taken over me. Why can't I be reasonably? Now I'm guing to relax and thinking about he's hope. Why can't I have similar thoughts?

My heritage

2007-02-22T08:12:00.001+02:00

I had one genealogy course on high school. Now I started to think how wonderful it would be to interview all my close relatives (granny, parents, siblings, cousins..) and copy photos and documents and write story of their life. There would be nice contrasts like my mun grew in a city and dad on a farm. Interviewing would be great rehearsal for my studies and real researches.

I'm going to start with my mum's parents, granny Anna and grandpa Vilho. They're both dead so I have to interview people who knew them. I'm going to interview one friend of Anna, my mum, and other granny. I'm going to pend from my relatives to tell everything from stories to facts that they know about them.

Well, I'm now really eager to begin my task. But this will take years and years. But what stories my family has! They have to be to told. Maybe after I've collected them all I'm going to make book. At least I can get some inspiration for my fictional stories.

Perfect day

2007-02-20T09:42:00.001+02:00

I just love these mornings. Waking up between 9 and 10am. Drinking green tea beside PC. Eating cereal and reading newspaper. When mail arrives I know it's late enough to leave for gym. I love being in gym without hurry. sometimes I have to check clock every five minutes. These days I just do all the movements with thought. I have a short break shuffle through magazines and go stretching.

I have lunch. I take a hour and enjoy. Eat something like soup, baguette or salad and drink cappuccino afterwards.

Today I'm going to be extra lazy ad slow 'cause my first lecture has been canceled. Headmaster of university thinks that on a lovely winer day like this students should be outside having fun. My first lecture is going to be on late afternoon. So I'm going to enjoy myself and take it slow.

After lecture I'm coming back home and going to make delicious dinner. Don't know yet what it would be. Tummy full I'm going to give myself an opportunity to look at my script. I hope my book will be ready someday.

A fresh new start

2007-02-19T23:08:00.001+02:00

I thought that it'd be better to start new blog, in English, for a change. It'd be good to get some practice from time to time. I bet that when some of my friends will read this they'll roll laughing on a floor. Gotta practice my English to avoid the laughter!

I feel like sitting on a deserted island. You know the one in the comics. With only one palm tree on and only me sitting beside it. I've tried to tell people about my thoughts. My man said "yeah right". My therapist would probably say something similar to my mum's thoughts. Friend of mine tried to understand but can't helps. And other one didn't really listen. I wrote about it to my Iisalmi's friends' community. And they advised me to speak up.

I know that I'm cruel. I'm selfish. I'm hedonistic. But I'm not only one who has to grow up. Yes, we all admit it. But how many of us has what it takes? If you know that you're in corner and the only way out is hurting one loved one, what would you do? Could yu hurt your friend or perish same time knowing that you're living in a lie. Perishing would protect my friend from the world. But could I do it on my own? Should she be protected?

************************************
Answer for one comment

I'm not so sure if she'd be protected.. Is it your job to protect everyone else?

At this moment I think that I shouldn't be worrying about anyone else before my psyche is all right. It may take some years. Everyone else's problems just give more stress. It's a bit harsh but everyone has to take care of themselves now. I can't help very much. I can try.