I have been thinking...

I have visited my new therapist over a month. I thought that I'd write down some thoughts that has been circling in my mind. I started to observe my own feelings and anxioty more. When I noticed that my anxioty had grown, I thought it was because of the full calendar. Instead therapist suggested that It might be because of the deep conservations we have been having.

I have noticed I am very physical person. I like when I know clearly my body's boundaries, for example when my muscles are sore after workout or when I am floating in the water. I have been suggested to try laying under pea bags. Howeever sometimes tight clothes and thoughts, which won't fit in my head disstress me. Often the latter happens, when I am trying to understand something mathematic. When I am disstessed, It can be seen from my posture. I turn inside out and I feel like something heavy is pressing on my chest. When I am feeling good, I embrace the world.

I am bothered why I regress into 2 year old stage, when I am really anxious. I act really irrational: whine, lay on the floor, am scared of newspapers (etc.) and get sad if left alone. My therepist wants to think that there have been something traumatic in my childhood, but I doubt it.

I have noticed that I let the external opions to impact on how I feel about myself. Allthough I have strong opinions and I know what I want to do, I am insecure, because I am afraid that the others judge me. Humanities, helping others and many other things, which I would like to do, are concidered as things which are not appreciated. I see myself as unsubtle and good-willing, but already in elementary school in taught that being exact is more desirable. Alltogether I am still thinking bigger, far ahead and am more flexible, but worry too much about future.

I should really sit down and write my bloodt master thesis. Instead I am worrying what others are thinking about my studies, am I going to get work and will I get along in five years. I feel like I am a child who needs praises and guidance.

My therapist asked me, where I feel like accepted. I thought it a long time, and could not come up with anything. I always have a fear that someone is going to tell that I can not do something or I am bad.